Desires and Duties
by fooboo24
Summary: It was Riza's turn to choose now, after Roy had so clearly made his decision about what he wanted out of his life. Royai, Roy Mustang/Riza Hawkeye. Takes place after Episode 51 of the original but before the Conqueror of Shamballa. One-shot.


**Disclaimer: **I do not own FMA.

**Author's Notes: **This takes place after Episode 51 and before the Conqueror of Shamballa. I wanted to write a story that gave more insight into why Roy decided to leave Central to move to the North as an enlisted man – and this derailing mess is what I got. XD I would have posted it in separate chunks, but it really is meant to be read as a one-shot, so that's what I posted it as.

~P~

_Desires and Duties_

~P~

"Sir," Riza Hawkeye frowned at the man to her left, who was sitting on his bed and casually slipping on a pair of shoes and petting her dog, as if he hadn't been shot down and stabbed only a mere few weeks beforehand. Instead of staying bed-ridden like his doctor had directed him time and time again, Roy Mustang outright disobeyed him and his adjutant's requests to stay put, usually venturing out on his own accord with Riza tagging along. That day was no different for the pair – the Lieutenant would plead with her superior officer to rest, and he would flash her a grin and tell her that there was no point in sitting around all day. "Please, you should be lying down and recovering. If there's anything you need, you know I can go and retrieve it for you." The blonde woman's brows upturned in distress as she watched him stand and then cringe as he tried to keep his balance and numb out the pain that came with such an action. Black Hayate's ears folded backwards at seeing Roy uncomfortable, mimicking his master's actions.

Roy wobbled in spot for a few sections before searching around for his cane – he hated the blasted thing, but if he wanted to be able to stand up without tipping over, it was a necessary evil in his life. Noticing what he was looking for, Riza walked across the short expanse that separated them and reached for the walking stick that was sat against his end table. "Here you are, sir." She handed it to him, and a wave of confusion crossed his face before he took it from her, his expression being replaced by a slight scowl. Turning his head, he deduced where she had grabbed it from – his blind side – and then steadied himself with it wordlessly.

Despite having been blind in his left eye for nearly a month and half, the General was still adjusting – he disliked how he missed things that should have been obvious to the average person and while he never spoke of his frustration, his Lieutenant could tell through the variety of annoyed expressions he would present her with when he was reminded of his blindness. He had assured the only woman in his life that he was at peace with what had occurred at the Fuhrer's mansion and that it wasn't something he or she should dwell on – and he tried not to, but sometimes it was unpreventable and he was overcome with his disability all over again. Especially times like this – when he couldn't even manage the simple task of finding his own cane.

Clunking his way to the door of his bedroom, he forced a smile onto his face, not wanting to put Riza through anymore doubt and worry than she was already handling. "Let's get going, Lieutenant," he told her cheerily, reaching out and turning the doorknob. "The market isn't open all day, and I'd like to get out for a bit before I'm put back to bed for another few days." Swinging the door open and walking out into his living room, he managed his way without too much trouble to his entrance. It was only when he turned that he realized that she was not following him, instead still standing in his bedroom and staring at him with wide eyes. A small, genuine smile stretching along his features, he began to trudge back over to her, ready to tell her once again not to be so focussed on his wellbeing and to concentrate on herself. The General did not notice as he walked, though, his left foot catching itself on a piece of rug, sending him tripping and nearly colliding with the floor.

The Lieutenant jumped at Roy just as he began to go down and Hayate made a commotion, but the Flame Alchemist caught himself before he could make any contact with the ground. "Damn left eye," he cursed whisperingly, an odd mix of bitterness and amusement rising up within him as he fixed the cane in his grip again. He was entertained by the fact that a powerful man like himself – once feared by so many – had been reduced to such a fool that he couldn't even navigate around his own apartment. The same poisonous knowledge that he would never be able to return to his life like it had been before swirled through his mind like it had so many times before, but before it could take over and send him into a round of dangerous, depressing analysis, he felt a hand gently grip his arm. Looking up quickly, he was presented with Riza's visage, conflicting emotions of relief and grief fighting for dominance over her face.

"Are you all right?" she asked him softly, concern etched permanently into her bright features. Roy felt the frustration drain from his system with just that one look she gave him, and with a heavy sigh, he nodded at her slowly. Her eyebrows furrowed at his response, making it clear that she didn't believe him. The General didn't look at her directly, instead staring pointedly at floor. He had learned to hate that face she made – the one that only conveyed constant fear and worry for him. He hated that it seemed to be the only expression to be seen on her any longer and that he was the source of it – that he couldn't seem to make her smile at all, even if he dried his damnedest. He wanted nothing more than for his subordinate to be happy and if he reflected at all on the last few weeks she had been attending to him, he couldn't recall a single moment when she seemed to be at ease and just enjoying herself. Roy knew for a fact that if Riza could just allow herself the joy he so desperately wanted her to have, that he himself would be that much cheerer in return. But she wouldn't do that, and he knew this – she was Lieutenant Riza Hawkeye, ever loyal adjutant to General Roy Mustang for ten years, and to her, he always came first to what she needed. It was only until recent that Roy realized how much her selflessness bothered him – he appreciated it _so _much, but he wanted her to have her own life, too, because surely she had better things to do than baby a disabled General – but he daren't voice how he felt for fear of breaking the delicate flow that they had cultivated a relationship around. He knew it was cowardly and selfish – hell, he reminded himself nearly every day – but he hoped that one day soon he would conjure up the courage to tell her to slow down and think for herself for once. He tried not to think of, however, what his days would be like without her by his side, instead leaving such alarming thoughts to wander aimlessly in the depths of his brain, only haunting him occasionally.

Shaking his head to clear his mind – such deep thinking was reserved for night time – Roy lifted his hand and placed it on hers, squeezing it. "Riza," he addressed her by her first name, something he seemingly hadn't done since he was a fifteen year old Alchemy apprentice. Removing his hand and pulling it through her loose hair, a comfort-seeking habit he had picked up within the month, he motioned towards the door again and smiled. "I think it would do both of us some good to get out of this stuffy apartment." His dark eye bored into hers, silently trying to convey his need for her to relax, even if just minutely.

Riza peered at him intensely for a few moments, before exhaling and letting her tense shoulders fall. Closing her eyes, she took a few deep breaths before nodding at him and delivering to him the first smile he had seen grace her shining face in seemingly forever. The sight made Roy's chest swell – it had been much, much too long since he had seen her like face light up like so. "I guess it wouldn't hurt to go out for a short while," she conceded, shrugging a bit at him and entering his bedroom again to leash Black Hayate. He flashed her a grin so large that the Lieutenant couldn't help but feel her own smile widen, and when she felt Roy tuck her hand in his arm and walk forward with a steady stride, she decided that it wouldn't be so bad if she let her General lead their walk for once.

~P~

All was peaceful for a few more weeks between the two, with Roy's condition – both physically and mentally – improving significantly and consequently, Riza's stress levels lowering. She began to present him with smiles more often and didn't let small events, like a trip on Roy's part, affect her as much as she would have before. The lightheartedness that began to sprout between them made it so the Flame Alchemist didn't even believe he would need to confess his insecurities about Riza being so focussed upon him. But all of this progress flew out the window in just one night, it seemed:

Riza yawned from her spot on a stool beside Roy's bed, though she futilely tried her best to hide her exhaustion from the General. Black Hayate snoozed contently at the end of the Flame Alchemist's bed, already having given into his tiredness unlike his master. Touching the hand of hers that was resting on his bedside gently, Roy gave Riza a smile and told her, "You don't have to stay here every night to keep an eye on me, you know – I've been told that I'm well enough to generally tend to things without constant supervision." His tone was joking as he finished, his larger hand tightening around hers.

The Lieutenant blinked at him, before shaking her head at his attempt at humour. And though he was so eager to spend a night on his own – without her Hawk's eye constantly keeping a watch on him – she wondered if _she _was ready to spend a night away from him. Being with the General for more than half of her day, every day had been a normal Riza had accepted years beforehand, but after two and a half months of near-constant contact and interaction with one another, she had adopted his presence being around her as a thing she could derive comfort from. Like he had said, he was recovering exceptionally, and while she trusted him unconditionally, it was of her own peace of mind that she spent so many nights alongside him. She wanted to ensure that he was as every bit as safe as he made her feel. But, she figured, one night away from him couldn't hurt.

"If you want me to go that badly," she gave him a playful grin, "then you should have just said so!" The surprise that crossed Roy's face and the spluttering that followed made a short laugh escape her mouth before she stood and began to make her way across his room to gather her things together. Roy was thankful for her turning away from him – he just narrowly had enough time to hide the heat in cheeks.

After rounding up her things, Riza's face contorted into her same old militaristic one – a commanding, serious expression. Placing her hands on her hips, she turned to face Roy and began to list off things to him, "Okay, sir, there's a few things that need to be cleared – I've placed your cane at the end of your bed, as you can see, so that it's easier to find. Your medication is on your end table... hm, what else?" She tapped her finger to her chin, before it shot into the air as she remembered something. "Oh! Yes! My number—"

"I know it by heart, Riza," he told her softly.

She stared at him, before nodding. "Ah, right," she continued, "well, if you need anything – I don't care what time it is – don't hesitate to phone me."

Roy waved his hand passively at her. "I'll be fine. It's just one night, after all!" It was then that Riza's face slipped into its old, worn look of concern for him, and his stomach flopped uncomfortably.

Stepping closer to him and placing her hand on his, she whispered, "Just promise me. If anything happened, I wouldn't—"

"Riza!" he interrupted her and moved his hands so that they were clamped around hers, holding them firmly, reassuringly. His voice dropping several octaves to match her previous one and his thumb stroking the top of her hand, he said softly, "Nothing's going to happen to me. No need to worry." His gaze locked with hers, and they held it for a few moments, conveying silently their mutual trust for each other before he released her hands and Riza moved away, nodding.

"I believe you," she said as she walked across the room and slung her bag over her shoulder. Double-checking one last time that she had all of her things, she shuffled over to his bed one last time and leashed Black Hayate, slowly rocking him out of his comfortable sleep. "I'm sorry, boy," she apologized, patting him on the nose. "You can sleep as much as you want we get home." The Shiba Inu seemingly pouted at her before jumping off the bed lazily and standing by her, waiting patiently. Riza's eyes changed from peering down at her dog to noticing the fond look Roy was giving her, and she felt her heart swell. Stepping forward hesitantly then, before she could reconsider her actions, she leaned down and pressed a kiss to his cheek hastily. Riza wasted no time turning around to hide her flustered expression, forcing her feet to make their way towards his door. Roy simply sat in his bed, stunned by the action but having silently enjoyed the feeling of her soft lips pressed to his skin, his heart thumping in his chest loudly. A part of him wanted to think the gesture through until he had picked apart every last meaning it could have held, but another side of him just wanted to take it as it was – a simple, sweet thing among friends that shouldn't be looked too hard into. Feeling the latter side of him win – though his heart was still beating too quickly to ignore – he raised his arm in a small wave.

"I'll see you tomorrow," he said with a quirk of his lips.

"Of course, s—Roy," Riza responded back, using his first name for the first time she had found him collapsed in a pool of his own blood at the Bradley Manor. The remembrance of such a terrifying moment made Riza shudder, before finally exiting Roy's apartment quietly, her dog in tow.

The Flame Alchemist slouched into his pillows after she left, closing his one good eye and letting his hidden thoughts of the day bombard him. Though most of his concerns were trivial in comparison to the things that would cross his mind weeks beforehand, it always hurt increasingly when Edward Elric happened to float into his mind. Whether it was a previous thought that would remind him of the young blond boy or a violent nightmare – something he still hadn't quite overcome yet – he always ended up drifting into the General's mind.

Roy's mind always ran in circles when it came to other Alchemist – where was he? Was he all right? Was he even alive? So many unanswerable questions assaulted him, and there was nothing he could do about it. He was shamed by guilt at not being able to do anything to prevent Ed's fate – it pissed him off even more that he didn't even have any clear information on what had happened to him.

"I should have been able to help him," Roy murmured to himself, rubbing his hand against his face. Despite always vehemently denying it, Edward had been his friend, someone who the Flame Alchemist considered to be family – and so to have lost him so suddenly had left Roy reeling, the aftershock of it all still strongly affecting him. It didn't help that another of his friends – Al – had lost most of his memories of their experiences together, leaving Roy with an even larger burden of loneliness.

The Flame Alchemist didn't particularly believe in a God – but a part of him thanked whatever higher power up there for Riza every day. He knew that if he had somehow lost her that day they had attacked the Bradley Mansion, that he would have been done for. In Roy's mind, he would have nothing else to live for – so for her to still be beside him each day, comforting him and reassuring him like she always had, helping fill in the bottomless void the Elrics had left in his heart, was something he knew he could never thank her enough for.

Roy wondered briefly in that second if his Lieutenant felt as powerfully about him as he did her, but made a mental note to assess it some other night when his heart wasn't so heavy with thoughts of lost memories. As he lay there in the dark of his room, with only the moon for company, his mind began to play through experiences he had had with the brothers like a movie reel. The happier the recollection, the more painful it was for Roy to remember. He remembered the fateful night when he had met the boys, the day that Ed and Al had taken their State Alchemist exams, all of it – every single memory he had of the boys hit him like a ton of brick, leaving his breathing hitched and his head throbbing. When it all became too much for the Flame Alchemist, he thrust his fist out and narrowly avoided putting a hole in the wall.

Raking a hand over his sweaty face and hair, he crawled out of bed and sat there, staring blankly at the floor and trying to empty his mind of such depressing, draining thoughts. Looking up and around his room, his right eye caught the moonlight shining on something across the small area, something made of metal, but he was much too emotionally distraught to get up and investigate. Instead, he resigned himself to sit there with his head in his hands, narrowly avoiding frustrated tears and repeating to himself over and over again that he was glad Riza wasn't there to see her General so screwed up.

~P~

Riza walked up to Roy's apartment door and fetched the keys from her purse, rolling her eyes at herself. _You can remember his keys, Riza, but you can't remember your own? _she chided herself. The Lieutenant had failed to notice that she had forgotten her keys until she was nearly halfway home, and believing she could sneak in and out without Roy noticing – assuming he was out cold like she suspected he was – she had gone back.

And so there she was now, entering his apartment as silently as possible, Black Hayate clicking behind her obediently, trained not to make a disruptive noise. Making her way over to his bedroom door and opening it, instead of being greeted with the sight of a snoozing Roy, she saw him hunched over with his head between his knees. Instantly, Riza dropped Hayate's leash and said in a harsh hush, "Roy?" She tried to keep her tone from wavering with worry, but even she could hear her word tremble as she spoke it.

The Flame Alchemist's head shot up at the sound of her soft voice, and even in the dark Riza could make out his bloodshot eye and the tear that was rolling down his cheek and off his chin. Roy's mouth didn't move to form her name, but she could see the shock in his face, trying to decide how to deal with her sudden intrusion.

Stepping closer towards him, Riza's stomach twisted violently at seeing his distraught expression up close. Having completely forgotten about her keys, she peered at him, and he did so back, both just waiting for one of them to break the unbearable silence strung between them. Eventually, the Lieutenant could take it no longer and she clasped Roy's fisted hands in one of her own, the other rising up to cradle his pale face.

Assessing her General's miserable face made her nearly want to burst into tears, even though she still didn't know the source of his. Biting her lip, her thumb skimmed across the planes of his face, trying to bring him some semblance of comfort so he'd speak. The searching digit caught another tear that regretfully escaped his eye instead, and upon cupping his face, he leaned into her hand, seeking its warmth.

A few long, quiet moments strung with confused, curious tension passed before Riza found it in herself to say his name again. "Roy?" she whispered. "What's wrong?"

Roy simply blinked at her, before his trembling hands escaped her grasp and encircled the woman in a tight hug. Riza's arms automatically shot up to return his embrace, her head resting in the crook of his neck, his own buried in her long blonde hair. When the time did come for Roy to speak, it was not the answer Riza had asked for, but his words still made her freeze. "Thank you," he choked out into her ear. "I know I've never said it before and that I should have so, _so_ long ago – but thank you, Riza, so much, for everything you've ever done for me, for always being here for me. Thank you, thank you, thank you..."

Riza hadn't the slightest clue as to why he was thanking her so profusely, but felt her mind churn in confusion and her chest swell. Tightening her grip around him, she sighed in his ear, and a few seconds later, felt him pull her down into the bed with him. She barely contained her slight gasp at the action, but was even more surprised when he murmured in her ear, "Stay with me. Just... be with me, Riza."

Riza's eyes flew open at this, and they stared at each other intensely, Roy's eye still shining from his previously shed tears. The Lieutenant hadn't the heart to deny her General – and if she was being honest with herself, a small, selfish part of her enjoyed being wrapped up in his arms, even if these weren't the ideal circumstances for such a thing. Nodding and providing him with a small, shaky smile – she still wanted to know what was bothering, but now was not the time for prying – she snuggled closer to the Flame Alchemist and basked in the warmth he brought to her system. Roy took immense comfort in just knowing she was there with him, and almost instantly gave into his emotional exhaustion and was out.

Riza instead continued to watch her General, studying his troubled features and silently vowing to help him get rid of the skeletons in his closet. Adjusting her position in his arms, she relaxed a bit more and draped her own limbs across his frame and began to feel her eyelids grow heavy with the tiredness she had experienced before leaving his apartment. A few minutes passed, in which Riza heard Black Hayate click into the room and join the pair on the bed, settling into an easy, peaceful slumber. It wasn't long after that that Riza could feel the drowsiness closing in on her and blackness of sleep overtake her.

~P~

Riza's brown eyes fluttered open early the next morning when the sunlight filtering in from Roy's window hit her directly in the face. Blinking blearily and attempting to let her jumbled mind recognize her surroundings, she tried to sit up, but found that her movement was restricted by someone's arm wrapped around her possessively. Staring up the owner of the limbs, she saw that it was none other than a snoring Roy Mustang.

Though not objecting the position she was in, it took a few, short moments for the confusion to clear as everything that occurred the night before came crashing down into the depths of her brain. She remembered with a tightness in her chest how she walked in on a teary-eyed Roy and how he was seemingly so upset that he wouldn't reveal the reasons behind his fragile emotional state. She remembered how he pulled her into an embrace and wouldn't, couldn't let her go.

Riza felt her stomach knot as she thought about how closely Roy had clutched to her, and the rawness of his words as he had thanked her. Feelings that she had long since locked away in her heart began bubbling within her as she studied his face, the perfect display of inner peace when compared to the utter anguish he had been in only hours before. The swelling in her heart became almost too much to bear when she realized that she was the one who brought him down and settled him into such a calm condition.

The dangerous thoughts continue to swim through her mind as she brushed aside a stray hair from his face gently, and it was only when Roy reacted by pulling her even closer that she was reminded exactly _why _she had hidden such emotions and she scowled unbecomingly at the reminder. Extracting herself from him with as little movement as possible, she made an effort to put as much distance between the two as possible as she tried to distract herself from the conflicting feelings rolling over her. Black Hayate, awakened by her movements, stretched and jumped off the bed, exiting the room to perhaps find a sunnier, less noisy place to nap.

Deciding that she should leave Roy alone altogether so that he could continue sleeping uninterrupted, Riza turned towards the door and was just about halfway out of his bedroom when she heard him stir and grumble from behind her. She froze in the doorway, debating whether or not she should confront him on the previous night's happenings, but before she could make a decision, Roy was speaking to her groggily. "Riza?" he began, rubbing his right eye. "Did you have to move? I was comfortable, you know," he told her playfully, crossing his arms and giving her a lazy smile that made Riza's heartbeat quicken alarmingly.

"U-uh, sorry, sir," she apologized lamely, avoiding eye contact with him. Feeling the need to further differentiate between her duties and desires, she addressed him by his military title and gave him a stoic look, despite a blush working its way up her neck. "General, I was going to make us some breakfast. Again, I apologize for disrupting your slumber."

Roy simply laughed deeply at her strict tone of voice, only causing her embarrassment to double. "No need to be so formal, Riza," he reminded her with a click of his tongue. "It's okay, though. We can't have me getting soft and sleeping all the time when I'll eventually have to return to the military, huh?" It was in that moment that Roy realized how disappointed the thought of returning to work left him – where once it would have instilled a great sense of independence in him to be up and going again, despite feeling second best because of his partial blindness, now all he could think of was the time he wouldn't be spending with Riza and how it left his chest aching.

Riza nodded at him before exiting the room abruptly; glad to finally be escaping the presence of the man that was making her forbidden feelings flare up without even trying. As she shut the door behind her, she pretended she didn't see or hear his face fall and a heavy sigh exit his lips, instead resigning herself to solely focus on the task of making them a suitable breakfast for the day.

~P~

Despite the fact that Roy seemed to be a skilled actor, Riza couldn't help but catch the small moments when he would break down – she would notice the forlorn looks he would cast to his window, the emptiness of his eye as he laid in deep thought, and the exhausted sighs that he would give when he thought she wasn't paying attention. All of this only added to her apprehension and for days, Riza struggled with bringing up the topic she so desperately wanted to discuss with the man – she wanted to talk about that night, but somehow Roy always managed to dodge the issue when she showed any signs of bringing it up in a conversation.

But as she sat there, staring pensively at him as she brushed Black Hayate, she knew that she could take the nagging in the back of her heart and mind no longer – she had to confront him about it, and this time, she wasn't going to let him get away with running away from it. The Flame Alchemist sat beside her, casually reading the Amestrian paper. He smiled as he read of the happy news – the newly-reformed government had made many commendable changes in such a short amount of time, and to read of such success in his mother country, Roy couldn't help but let his nationalistic pride shine through just a bit. "This is really great," he told her, his grin growing as he flashed it in her direction. "What they're doing, I mean. I can't wait to see what else they have in store for Amestris."

Though it didn't appeal to the Lieutenant to put a damper on his happier mood, the topic he had been avoiding needed to be discussed, and so with a deep inhalation, Riza turned to him, her brown eyes glinting sternly. "R-Roy," she started, before clearing her throat – she could not afford to show weakness in such a situation, for she knew if she did, then it would all unravel from there. "Roy," she repeated, and her strong, commanding tone caused for him to look at her in question. Setting down Hayate's brush on the table, she let her dog bounce off before turning to face him. Avoiding direct eye contact with the man, she continued, "We need to talk."

Roy's heart stopped momentarily in his chest and his hands gripped the newspaper tighter, his knuckles turning white in the process. Riza saw him stiffen minutely, and knew that he knew what she was about to bring up. Swallowing, the Flame Alchemist straightened the folding newspaper out again and delivered her a nervous smile. "What about?" he prompted, his voice forcefully cheery as he hoped against hope that she would drop it before it escalated any further.

While Roy had done everything in his power to avoid talking about what had happened that night and what had caused him to break down, he had been haunted by it repeatedly. He went to sleep thinking about it, he dreamed about it, and when he awoke again the next day, there it was again, just waiting to mercilessly seep its way back into the depths of his mind to instill greater guilt into his conscience. He didn't want to burden Riza with anything more than she was already dealing with and originally, he had tricked himself into believing that that night hadn't affected him as much as it really had. But this quickly proved to be a lie, for it was the one thing that continuously occupied his brain day and night, and if Roy was being honest with himself, it was getting old, quick. While he wanted to relieve himself once and for all of the emotional baggage he was towing around, he didn't know how to go about it in a way that wouldn't just transfer it to his precious Lieutenant.

But even so – there she was, sitting beside him, willingly ready to accept his plight as her own in favour of lessening his load. For the umpteenth time in his life, Roy felt abounding gratitude to the woman that was always by his side, and yet, as always, he didn't know how to express it in a way that might not let his deeper feelings shine through.

Roy's casual response caused for Riza's expression to darken, but when she saw him finally give in, his back slouching and his brow crinkling, it softened again, ready in an instant to provide him with all the emotional support she could. Instead of jumping right into her question, the Lieutenant raised her hand and pressed it to his back, holding it there and hoping that he was deriving some comfort from their slight contact. It was a long, long while before Riza found her voice again, and when she spoke, it was low and quiet. "Roy," she whispered, "what... what's wrong?" Her question didn't come out as specific or gentle as she would have liked it, but before she correct herself, the Flame Alchemist was spilling words from his mouth.

His head falling into his hands, Roy sighed raggedly and dragged his hand over his face. "So many things, Riza," he answered bluntly. "So, _so _many things. But... but... h-how am I supposed to eventually lead this country if I can't even keep track of one child?"

The realization hit her like a ton of bricks then – oh. _Oh_. Choosing her words carefully, Riza responded shakily, her hand rubbing Roy's tense back, "_Roy_, Edward's disappearance wasn't your fault. He entered the underground city by his own volition knowing very well that something terrible might happen. But..." She bit her lip, narrowly holding back a small sob as she recalled the awful moment when they were both informed of Ed's sudden vanishing. "But he would have been happy with what came of it all – he accomplished his goal to get Al's body back. He wouldn't want what happened to him to cause any of us pain, you know that."

Roy was quiet as his fingers dug into his scalp. "I _do _know that – but it doesn't make it any less difficult, Riza. Knowing that Ed would want us to be happy doesn't automatically make for us to be happy. M-maybe," he felt his voice tremble, but did not try to hide it, "maybe if we knew more about what happened, I might be able to put it all behind me. But we don't, and we never will. Forevermore, Ed will be as good as _dead _to us and I can't just accept that so passively." Abruptly growing frustrated, Roy pounded a fist into knee, causing Riza to jump back at the sudden, violent action. "I should have been there to help him, dammit!" And as quickly as his rage had consumed him, it filtered out of the Flame Alchemist, leaving him shaking uncontrollably as he sat there.

Riza watched with a heavy heart the guilt wash over Roy's features, contorting his handsome face into a face she hadn't seen him wear since the Ishvalan war – one she never hoped to see again. Reaching over and touching his shoulder gently, she held it there as her other hand moved to unfurl his fists, holding them tightly. Roy automatically relaxed at her touch, allowing himself to lean into her small frame. The Lieutenant continued to grasp his hands until he stopped quivering, before reaching up and lace her fingers behind his back in a loose embrace. "Help him now then," she told him after a few moments, and he simply responded by pressing his face harder against the crook of her neck. "Help ease Ed's soul by putting an end to your guilt." The Flame Alchemist didn't make a move to show that he was acknowledging what she said, but instead tightened their hug, and in that moment, that was enough for the blonde woman.

Riza knew that her words were easier said than done – that it would take weeks to finally put a permanent end to his shame and suffering, but that if he didn't, then it would just continue to eat him from the inside out until all that was left of Roy Mustang was an empty shell, and she would be damned if she let that happen.

~P~

It was not easy for Roy to ease his way out of his guilty conscience – it took much silently conveyed encouragement from Riza and long hours of deep thinking just to begin to crack the surface of it. But after a few weeks of doing so – of really putting in an effort in to letting go instead of dwelling on the past – he showed small, but noticeable, improvements, even if neither of the pair ever made a comment on it, they knew it had happened just by observing his tranquiller demeanour.

Riza was pleased by Roy's determination and progress at his emotional recovery, once again able to enjoy spending her hours upon hours with him. With his issues out in the open and in the process of fixing themselves, she got to see more of the carefree Roy – the one she never got a glimpse at when they were at work – and found that she very much so liked having so much freedom between them. Though she was careful not to dwell for too long on certain actions of his – his intense gazes, his fond touches, his tender words – she couldn't help but feel her concealed emotions for her General begin to bubble up from time to time, growing exponentially, though she would not admit such a thing.

It pained the Lieutenant to think of going back to their regular schedule – where they were to be superior officer and subordinate again. Though constant, unpleasant reminders on her part served to keep her feelings in check, she found herself dreading going back to being so formal with each other, having long since abandoned using such an attitude with him. If she couldn't have him how her heart secretly wanted, then she at least wanted to remain in the friendlier state they had entered, where they were free to converse and act casually, childishly if they so pleased. And that's why even though they still hadn't a clue when Roy would be reinstated, she enjoyed each moment they spent together to the fullest, imprinting them in her memory to keep for personal reflection later on. Little did the Lieutenant know, though, how their relationship would take a turn for utter uncertainty in just one short night.

"Why do you put up with me, Riza?"

The question was so sudden that it sent her spluttering on her hot cocoa, narrowly avoiding burning her lips but scalding her tongue in the process. "What do you mean?" she countered honestly, unsure of what Roy meant.

The Flame Alchemist laced his fingers together and leaned his elbows on his table, staring at her. "I mean as I said – what makes you spend each day with me? I'm not special enough to garner the company of such a woman as yourself, and yet you are still here. I just want to know... well, why."

Riza's cheeks grew red at his words, but felt the answer leave her tongue, not even needing to think it through. "Well, other than the fact that I promised my utmost devotion to you when I joined the military... I... just like being with you, Roy," she answered honestly, her flush becoming more intense. The Flame Alchemist was surprised by her answer, but didn't at all dislike it. In fact, it didn't help his heart beat any less erratically than it automatically did when Riza was around. "I feel comfortable around you a-and I can spend hours and hours with you without it ever becoming tedious..." Riza began to involuntarily list off reasons, before clamping her mouth closed when she saw the smile the stretched across Roy's face.

A part of Roy always knew how special they were to one another, but there were times when he was tricked into believing that they had a purely professional relationship and that all he felt for her was worth nothing – but just being with her in that moment and feeling the fondness that she was radiating at him, he knew this wasn't true. He knew that they held a connection deeper than that of just best friends – they were meant to be together, to live out their days as companions. And if Roy was being honest with himself, he sometimes felt a spark of something more between them, something that regretfully, neither of them had explored, so many factors knocking it down before it could happen between them. With an overwhelming swell in his heart, though, he decided that _no_, he wasn't going to let it slip between his fingers, not this time.

Standing up, he slowly made his way over to her with a soft smile adorning his face. "I'm glad," he chuckled, "I always thought you found me irritating and lazy – at least, that what you always used to tell me when we were in the office." The Flame Alchemist had long since given up his fears and doubts that she was forcing herself to spend time with him – just seeing her so happy when they were together confirmed what he had desired all along.

A grin cracking on Riza's face, she swept a lock of blonde hair behind her ear. "Well, you never did your paperwork! A little tough love was deserved." Directing her gaze to the floor then, she continued whisperingly, "And I even so, that doesn't change how I feel about you."

Though she didn't mean for him to hear her words, he caught them as clear as bells and they only strengthened his resolve as he circled his way behind her chair. Inhaling deeply, he stared down at her before leaning closer, his hands placed firmly on her shoulders. "Just like that night," he murmured in her ear, his lips grazing the sensitive skin and causing her to jump a bit and shiver. "I want to let you know how much I appreciate you, Riza." At this, he turned his face and brushed his lips against her cheek in a tender kiss, his heart thumping in his chest as he hoped against hope that she wouldn't reject his advance like she had so many times before.

Riza froze at the contact, the action making goose bumps pop up on her skin. Finding her voice, she mumbled, "R-Roy... we can't—" Before she could finish her sentence, an emboldened Roy repeated the kiss, rendering her silent and motionless. Riza felt an almost debilitating guilt rise up in her stomach, competing with the warmth she felt in her heart until she felt sick. So many times, she had been able to reject Roy's apparent plays at her, but now, when he was no longer being as discreet, she couldn't brush them off as easily as she pleased. Riza was stuck in a corner by both her duty to Roy as her General and her own obligation to her heart. Unable to make the decision between them right then and there, she simply raised her hand and pressed it to his face, trying to convey to him that she needed a few moments to herself to think, undisturbed by his touch or presence. Roy caught her signal, pulling away and standing behind, waiting patiently and bracing himself – whatever decision she made, he would respect, but he knew that such a blow to his heart wouldn't be easy to conceal.

Riza had never felt so befuddled before – with just a simple kiss, Roy had thrown down her walls and now she was being invaded by a rush of feelings she could not contain. She wanted to stay true to what her job entailed – no fraternization between subordinates – but at the same time she could no longer deny what she felt and she was sure if she wasn't biting her lip right then, that she would be pouring out her feelings to the man behind her. She secretly feared, as well, that if something were to happen but not work out between them – be it because of his womanizing ways or their jobs – that they would be forever soiled and that they would never be able to return to their previous relationship – a fear that had just as solidly kept her feelings as check as the fraternization law. Riza couldn't deal with the twin loss of both a broken heart and her best friend disappearing from her world. But with him behind her there, waiting so patiently and eagerly – she knew that he would never let that happen, that what they shared was a mutual thing that wasn't going to be damaged if he could help it. And in that moment, amongst all of her confused thoughts cluttering her mind, a sense of clarity was bestowed upon Riza, and she had never felt so paradoxically overwhelmed and relieved by it in her life. She had come to a decision – and whether it was the right one or not, she would have to see. If he was so clearly willing to commit to her – then so was she.

Minutes felt like hours for Roy as he stood there, and despite trying his best, he stepped forward and with a sinking heart, told her, "If you don't want this, then—" However, the man was interrupted when Riza jumped from her spot in her chair and pressed herself against him. The Flame Alchemist stood there, trying to register what she had just done, before a joy so unexplainable possessed him that he just narrowly avoided sweeping her up and kissing her senseless.

"I-I don't know what's going to happen between us – it's all so uncertain, it always has been," she said, voice trembling out of her newfound nervousness. "But I still would like try something. I would still like to try _us_." The honesty that was shining in her bright eyes made Roy's heart feel as though it could burst right out of his chest and that was all it took for him to lean down and close the gap between them, kissing her softly, slowly.

The feel of Roy's lips against hers sent Riza's mind into complete disarray, but she returned it with as much vigour as she could muster. When they pulled back and peered at each other, only to return to kissing seconds later, she knew that while she was scared of what could possibly occur in the future, she was also excited by what was to come out of their newly-discovered relationship.

~P~

It wasn't difficult for the pair to transition into a more amatory relationship – however, it was a task to pretend that nothing was happening when they were out in public or around others. When Roy would receive the occasional visit from one of his subordinates, both would act as if nothing had changed between them, and while the Flame Alchemist could begrudgingly live with this arrangement, it took all he had not to grab her hand when they were out, wanting nothing more than to proudly display his feelings for her but unable to. He respected her need to keep it between only themselves because of their jobs – their godforsaken _jobs _getting in the way of his life – but was less than impressed that he couldn't even express his emotions for his beloved without getting berated. He kept his mouth shut, though, for Riza's sake and decided to focus on the moments they did get to share together, whether they were behind closed doors or not.

For a few weeks, their newfound relationship stayed light and gentle – they took their time exploring what they felt and letting it grow through new interactions. Though it sometimes surpassed boundaries out of playfulness, the pair never let it get beyond intense lip-locking sessions despite the inner yearning for more. Roy, however, decided to change that one night, knowing full well that Riza wasn't going to make the first move for such an activity.

The Flame Alchemist watched Riza out of the corner of his eye. His Lieutenant was stretched across his bed beside him, reading something while running her leg up and down his. A devilish thought entering his mind, he smirked and crawled over to her, Riza being too absorbed in her book to pay attention to his bed shifting beneath her. It was only when she felt his hot breath on her cheek that she was pulled away from the world the book had immersed her in, a heat finding its way up her neck and to her ears. Shaking her head to clear her mind from the distraction he was posing, she tried to focus on the book again but was simply brought back to the real world when his lips grazed her ear. His voice husky, he murmured into it, "Have I ever told you how beautiful I find you?"

Riza rolled her eyes. "Every day, you goof." She tried to pass him off as being irritating, while her body betrayed the notion by shivering when he pressed closer against her. His grin widening at her reaction, he lay down beside her and plucked the book from her hands, placing it on his end table. "Hey!" she protested, "I was reading that, you know!"

Roy responded by wrapping his arms around her small frame and kissing her. Though Riza tried to force herself to be annoyed, she couldn't focus on such a task when he was nibbling at her bottom lip like he was in that moment. Deciding that she was suddenly more invested in kissing her General than reading, she pressed her lips against his with a fervour that rivalled that of even the Flame Alchemist.

As their kiss deepened, Roy's hands automatically moved upwards from holding her hips, finding their way under her shirt and letting his fingers brush the soft skin of her abdomen. Riza froze at this touch, pulling away suddenly and causing him to open his eyes and look at her. Her eyes were wide eyes as she regarded him, her mind spinning as she realized what their actions were so inevitably leading to.

Riza's reluctance to consummate what she had with Roy wasn't because she didn't want to – hell, she did. She was no stranger to sex, but the fact that she had been working so devotedly to protect and serve the General up until a few months before meant that, unfortunately, romantic relationships were put on a back burner and left virtually forgotten about. Roy was the first real relationship she had had in years, so while the feeling to connect even closer with him was overwhelming, one thing, one fear kept her desires in check, as it always had – their positions. Their jobs had been the source for her denial for so many years, and now that she had finally accepted what they had, it was all still holding her back. The guilt of expressly disobeying the written law of fraternization ate away at the prized Lieutenant, and she almost felt sometimes as though she didn't deserve to go any farther in her relationship because of going against what she was told. While she was able to deny Roy with much difficulty other times, she knew now that she was riding the line between giving in and keeping strong thinly, and when the Flame Alchemist landed a well-placed nip on her collarbone, it was the final straw and her emotion for him won over her devotion for her career.

Attacking his jaw line, Riza returned the bruises he was marking her with and reminded herself before she lost all sense that she would need to come up with an excuse for them later. Noticing her intense focus on trailing kisses up and down his shoulder blades, Roy took this as his chance to remove her shirt, having been unbuttoning it slyly. Riza shuddered and blushed as her skin was exposed to the air of his bedroom, and the Flame Alchemist's eyes bugged out when he noticed that, despite what he had previously thought, she was not wearing a bra. His expression changed quickly though, his eyes glinting as he admired her naked top.

Deciding to even the playing field, she leaned up and pressed herself against his thinly-covered chest, nearly driving Roy up the wall. It didn't help that instead of ridding himself of his shirt, she teased him, allowing her fingers to play with the ends of it and only removing it slowly, inch by agonizing inch. When she finally did free him of the blasted garment, she pulled her hands across the dips of his muscles and just searched him, her hand eventually finding its way to the scar that marred the skin over his heart.

Roy watched as she felt at the disfigured skin, allowing him to take in the sight of the gorgeous woman below him and ingrain it in his brain. Knowing that it was still tender, her fingers only grazed the discolored flesh before she leaned up and pressed a kiss to it, feeling the beat of his heart briefly with her lips. She shuddered as she remembered how he described the event that had given him the scar – how the Fuhrer had stabbed him with the intention of killing him, but had narrowly missed his heart by only millimeters. Riza couldn't even begin to describe the relief she felt right then, pooling in her stomach and reflecting in her eyes when she pulled back and looked up at him. Roy noticed the vulnerability flashing in her pupils, and willed it away with a kiss, hoping that it conveyed how she shouldn't dwell on the past and instead should focus on her future – their future.

Their lovemaking that night was passionate one moment, gentle the next. When one too many times became too much for the pair, they finally collapsed beside each other, gleaming with sweat and glowing with their satisfaction. It didn't take long for the couple to settle down into the bed, pressed against one another. Roy's arms encircled Riza's waist, while hers rested loosely on his arms and her head was lying against his chest. She smiled as she felt her eyelids begin to drift shut – she didn't feel an ounce of remorse or guilt, instead filled with overpowering sense of comfort and peace.

The sleepy Lieutenant was shocked back into consciousness, though, when the Flame Alchemist cuddled even more closely, stuck his head in her hair and whispered lowly, "I love you, Riza. I love you so much."

Riza jerked away from him, her heart swelling with emotion and her mind derailing, but his strong arms didn't allow for her fully pull away. Thinking she had maybe heard things out of her exhaustion, she settled back into her place, nervousness spreading throughout her system. Her suspicions were disproved, however, when he placed one final kiss for the night to her forehead and repeated his words.

Instead of jumping away, Riza peered up at the man holding her, but found that he was already fast asleep, a content smile gracing his features. Her heart thumping violently, Riza tried to let the shock that was rocking her drift away so she could join her boyfriend in sleeping, but to no avail, as Roy's confession had left her mind running amok. The Lieutenant eventually resigned herself to staring at the ceiling blankly, unable to process anything but Roy's light snores in her ears and the repetition of his words in her head.

~P~

It wasn't as if those three words weren't something Riza wanted to hear leave Roy's mouth.

She did. She just hadn't thought over what would happen _afterwards_, he she would react to such a powerful statement. And now that he had spoken such words, her mind was spinning out of control, trying to sort out how she felt about it. Over the weeks that passed since he had first admitted his love for her, he said them repeatedly, which only sent what little progress she had made in figuring out the situation unravel so she'd have to start all over again.

One thing Riza knew for sure – she was in love with Roy Mustang. But no matter how she tried, she could not find it in herself to confess like he had to her. She figured because if she said it, let him know how dear he was to her, then that would be the last of it – she would have officially given all of herself to the man, officially abandoned her career in the military and that there was no going back, for it was one or the other. She wasn't quite ready to make a decision like that, and she wondered with a sinking heart if Roy realized the severity of what he was saying each time he mentioned how he loved her – did he understand that he was choosing her over an entire country? While a small part of Riza found this endearing, the sensible side of her thought it foolish that he was so willing to give his dreams of improving Amestris away for just one woman. Or maybe he believed he could somehow get away with hiding their relationship while still continuing their jobs? It would take a valiant effort, and while they could pull it off now by her own request, she knew that it ultimately would not work out between them if they continued to keep it a secret.

Every way Riza looked at it, one of them lost something, whether it was a brighter future for the people of their country or each other.

The peacefulness that had developed in their relationship began to disappear as Riza's conscience weighed down on her – guilt crawled up in her chest each time Roy kissed her, as she felt she was leading him on by not admitting how he she felt, but alternately also felt as though she was taking away his one chance at fulfilling his lifelong dream of becoming Fuhrer.

Her dread grew and faith lessened when after a few weeks, Roy received a letter – telling him that he was going to need to return to his position as General soon again. It was then that it all hit her full force, cemented her inability to express her love, leaving her gasping for breath and searching a way to cope with the heartbreak – she just _knew _that what they had was too good to last, that all those weeks beforehand she should have stopped him from kissing her. She had deluded herself into thinking they could find a way to stay together and had been selfish to keep him from what he truly needed to put his heart into – rising in the ranks of the military. It was a painful conclusion to come to, one that rocked her core when it finally dawned on her, but she believed it was for the best – things needed to end between them, no matter how much it made her heart hurt. She just didn't know how she could bring herself to do such a thing to the man she loved, but she would do it. She had to do it.

"Riza, what's wrong?"

It had been a question she had once been asking him, but now that she was the quiet one, he was inquiring. And in that moment that he questioned her, she felt as though she could tell him a million different answers, wanting nothing more than to pour her heart out, but instead remained silent. Roy watched the blonde woman from the other side of the room – for whenever he tried to get close to her, she distanced herself from him - frowning at her ignoring of his question.

The Flame Alchemist fidgeted in his seat, debating whether or not he should leave her be or force her to talk. Considering they would be returning to their positions and busy lives as Lieutenant and General the next day, that night would be one of their last times to speak openly for a long while. Deciding to take his chances, he stood up and closed the distance between them, and felt a pang in his chest as he watched her avoid eye contact with him and turn away. Giving her some space, he sat in the chair next to her and reiterated his inquiry. "What's wrong with you lately?" His tone was harsher than he meant for it to be, but Riza didn't even flinch, instead gripping her arm tightly.

When she still didn't speak, Roy sighed, frustrated, and leaned back in his seat, trying to assess what could possibly be causing her to be so cold with him. He tried to think back to when it had all started, and his heart leaped into his throat when he realized that it all began shortly after he uttered that he loved her. As he went over the past weeks in his mind, he picked up things he hadn't noticed before – how her eyes didn't reflect her usual, bright smile when they were together, how she avoided his touch and ducked away from his gaze... all the small things between them. His eyes wide, he blinked over at her and found that she was still glaring at the floor pensively.

It didn't bother Roy that she hadn't said those same words back – he could tell just through her actions how strongly she felt about him. Being in love with each other – it was mutual, natural or else the pair would have split years before. What _did _bother him, though, was how negatively what he had said seemed to affect their relationship, when the opposite was supposed to occur. Saying he was in love was supposed to bring them closer together, not drive them apart. So why was she being so distant?

His eyes scanned the room as his mind tried to conjure up an answer, before falling on his uniform, freshly cleaned and pressed. It was in top condition for his return to the military, as was Riza's. It took a few moments for it to register in Roy's brain then, but when it did, his head whipped over to look at her and before he could process any words to form a sentence, they were tumbling out of his mouth. "It's because we're starting back at headquarters again, isn't it?" He watched as his Lieutenant's shoulder tensed, signifying that he had hit the nail on the head with his deduction. HHHHhdakjfjadsfjkdasf

Though a part of Roy was antsy to get back into his old routine in the office, a larger side of him was not yet willing to give up his new lifestyle of leisure and happiness with Riza quite yet. Both knew that by returning to the military they would need to resign themselves to acting only as subordinate and superior officer – and while this may have been something they had wholeheartedly accepted when they first turned romantic, now... now neither could see it happening. Roy could not imagine the pair ignoring what they felt, forced to spend hours together but not being able to interact as they pleased, playing pretend instead. The Flame Alchemist didn't want to have to hide Riza – he wanted to happily present her as the woman he intended to spend the rest of his days with. She deserved better than he could provide if he returned to the military – and so, not for the first time, it crossed Roy's mind about whether he should formally discharge from his position.

Needless to say, Roy's months of rehabilitation had provided him with plenty of time to assess what he wanted out of his life, and upon being requested to return to his previous position, he found himself feeling like he couldn't be the best General he could be, not with his eyesight impaired. He felt like he couldn't be the satisfactory Fuhrer that the country needed anymore. But his sight handicap wasn't the only thing that made him want to quit – Riza was, too. Roy didn't want to lie about their relationship anymore, didn't want to be the one who hurt her, and if he stayed into the military, he would have to. But if he didn't, if he resigned himself to become an ordinary man, then they could be together, they could be happy without sacrificing their sanity. In that moment, the possibility of leaving behind his old life to pursue another, simpler one had never been so appealing and contenting.

"I could quit," he blurted out suddenly, voicing his opinion. Riza turned to him slowly then, eyes wide. Swallowing, Roy continued. "I could quit the military, that way we can still be together. That way we both win." He smiled at her then, waiting for her reaction.

At first, Riza couldn't comprehend his words; they seemed far too ludicrous to be leaving Roy's mouth. But when he repeated them, an immediate anger began to bubble and grow in the pit of her stomach. Quit? He would _quit_? Riza couldn't believe him – how idiotic he was being! Deciding to voice what she thought, she jumped up and glared at the raven-haired man sitting across from her. "You moron!" she insulted, "why would you do that? How could you do that? You have a dream and you're just going to throw it all away for this? It's not worth it! We're not worth it, Roy! The people of Amestris deserve better, and they aren't going to get it unless you become Fuhrer! You can't be serious – don't make that kind of mistake!" Riza was seething as she finished yelling at him, her hands balled into fists at her side. She couldn't believe she was speaking so furiously to a man that was still her commanding officer – but she was livid and it needed to be known.

Roy's face fell, shocked and hurt by her reaction, never once believing she would say such things to him. Feeling his face contort with a rage that matched hers, he stood and faced her, yelling, "You don't think it's worth it? Well, I do, dammit! I wouldn't be throwing away anything – I'd finally be gaining a life! It's what I want, Riza, to be with you, not trapped in an office for the rest of my days pursuing a dream I don't have the ability to reach anymore! Can't you see I'm doing it for you, for both of us?"

Riza crossed her arms and huffed, before growling, "I don't need you to do anything for me. I can handle things myself, you know!" Eyes narrowing at him, she continued venomously, "And what are you talking about? You could still easily be Fuhrer if—"

"No, I can't," Roy interrupted her, his tone lowering as he brought a hand to brush by his eye patch. "I can't, Riza. I can't."

Riza's eyebrows knitted together in frustration. "Just because you're blind in an eye doesn't mean you can't be Fuhrer, Roy! Can't you realize that?"

Roy felt all of his anger flush from his system then, and sighing and stepping forward, he tentatively placed a hand on her arm and drew her close for the first time in days. "It's not just physical, Riza," he whispered, "my ideas have changed, _I've _changed. I just don't feel like I could be the person these people need anymore. And besides..." He leaned closer, his lips lingering by her cheek, "I want this with you. I want a life with you, Riza, because I love you and that's not going to change like what I want for this country has."

Riza trembled as he left a light kiss on her skin. No, no, no, _no _– he didn't realize what he was saying! If they hadn't started a relationship, if she hadn't become a distraction, then he would still be thinking straight and he'd realize that he would want to continue on as Fuhrer. He was just being stupid and stubborn, he didn't know what he wanted, she told herself – he didn't want her, he wanted to become the leader of Amestris, dammit! It was then that Riza realized this was her chance to end things, that she could right Roy's wrongs and put him back on the right track if she stopped it all right there and then. These were less than ideal terms to end a relationship on, especially considering she wanted to separate mutually, but with a bitter inner laugh, reality hit her and she recognized that she had deluded herself again, into thinking they would end well. She knew it all along – that she would just end up left with a broken heart, all her own doing.

Raising her arms before Roy's hands could reach hers, she placed them on his chest and pushed him away slightly, shaking her head as she tried to hold back the tears threatening to spill from her eyes. She mumbled something under her breath then, and Roy gave her a funny look before asking, "What did you say?"

"I don't love you," she lied bluntly, as though it were a simple statement that didn't rip at her heartstrings to say. Roy didn't have to hear it again – he felt his body seize up then and he took several steps away from her. She was lying, he knew it, he just knew it, but her tone suggested otherwise. When he finally gained the courage to look her in the eye, he saw that her face was unwavering and cold. Realizing she was dead serious, he felt his heart clench painfully in his chest and throat constrict, to the point where it was nearly impossible to breathe. Riza just continued to stare at him, and he knew he should say something but he just _couldn't_.

Watching Roy trying to cope with what she said soon became too unbearable for Riza, and she turned away, her hair hiding her expression. She heard Roy stutter aimlessly from her side, his loss of words nearly breaking the dam in her eyes. It was only when she heard him curse and out of the corner of her eye watched him bring a hand to his face that it became too much for her. Biting her tongue, she strode away from the silent man to the entrance of his apartment. Pulling on her jacket swiftly, she whispered, "I-I need to go," before reaching for the doorknob to exit.

Roy turned in her direction then, his eyes wide and pleading. With a strangled voice, he said her name, "Riza, wait, I—"

The Lieutenant could not stand to listen to him in that moment, and so before he could continue, she cut him off by exiting his apartment. She stood behind his door for a few seconds, trying to recover some of the breath that her silent sobs had robbed her of. She heard the man slump to his seat, a heavy sigh leaving his lips. This single action of his finally caused the tears that had been building up to fall over her cheeks, and fearing that he would hear her and come after her, she wiped them away furiously before walking away quickly. It was only when she was a good block away from his apartment complex that she allowed for the full brunt of it all to affect her, the tears uncontrollable as they dripped off her chin.

~P~

Roy pulled himself out of bed and stretched, his back stiff from a night of lying and staring at the ceiling blankly. He blinked his eye at the empty space beside him, the space she would usually warm in the night, before rubbing it gently with a sigh. For a long while, he just sat there, eye glued to the floor. His mind was playing back the same scene it had since it happened – how Riza had outright told him that she wasn't in love with him. Her words had haunted him throughout the night, ringing in his ears so that he couldn't even sleep. Each time he thought about it, his heart clenched violently in his chest and he felt the need, for the first time in months, to set something ablaze and just watch it burn – he needed a way to relieve his frustration, his sadness. No, what he needed was an explanation, to understand what happened between them for her to say such a thing – but he wasn't about to get that, so setting something aflame would have to be his alternative.

He realized, sitting ramrod straight as though a shock electricity shot through him, that he was to return to work that day – that meant seeing her. He knew he could very well phone in and make an excuse that he would need a few extra days off, but he also knew this would be immature. This would be exactly what Riza would expect him to do, and if he had any hope of talking to her about it, he would need to be strong about it and confront her.

Getting ready without anyone else around that morning was odd for the man, for he was so used to being greeted by a smile and a bark. With much difficulty, he managed to make his way to headquarters, and when he entered his office to find his old subordinates hanging about, he felt a bit of the pressure on his chest relieve itself. The four other men in his unit greeted him loudly and happily, clapping their superior on the back and expressing how much they had genuinely missed having him around. Roy temporarily forgot about his romantic issue as he talked with his friends, but it immediately presented itself again when Riza arrived. The Flame Alchemist instantly quieted down after this, attending to his paperwork like his life depended on it, and while his comrades found his new devotion to documents odd, they passed it off.

Riza being Riza didn't allow what had happened the night before affect her performance – no, despite the fact that she had been absent from work for several months, she acted as though she had never left. She treated Roy as though nothing had occurred between them, using his title and the word 'sir', though he easily noticed how she was slightly more distant. He was glad that the others could not pick up on such subtle details, like how she avoided eye contact with him or was briefer in her words, for he knew that if asked, he could not explain what had happened. For her sake, he applied his usual attitude, forcing himself not to be a fool just so he could get his way.

Days upon days of the same cold behaviour passed, each one nearly driving Roy up the wall. He wanted desperately to talk to her, to hear her say his name instead of a sharp 'sir', but could not at work for fear of making a scene, something he could not put her through, and every time he tried to catch her at the end of the day, she had vanished. He had tried to come to the conclusion as to what had upset her so badly on his own, but for the life of him, he couldn't think of why she had broken his heart and ran away.

Roy's days, while once rich and full of different experiences with the woman he loved, were now dull and blended together. He could barely differentiate the day of the week, and he didn't need to, for each was the same. It became clear to him that Riza didn't want to salvage their relationship, that they were done and through with and while this realization _hurt_, he faced it all the same.

Being thrust into such a boring lifestyle, Roy's mind had more time than ever before to dwell on the things Riza had once determinedly driven from his mind. He thought about her and what could have gone differently between them, about how tedious his job had become, about Edward Elric again. Sliding back into a depression, alcohol once again became a welcome friend in his life, despite the fact that he had barely touched it since after he had returned from Ishval.

Untrue rumours began to spread around the office that he was seeing a woman, and every time a whisper was exchanged throughout the building, Roy had to watch the momentary pain flash across Riza's face. He wanted to disprove the lies, but how could he? Why should he? According to her, nothing had ever happened between them.

The Flame Alchemist became aware just how tired of it all – the avoidance, the coldness, the unresolved tension – Riza was, though, by how she would sigh heavily when she didn't believe anyone was listening, or how her eyes would remain shut for a little too long when she closed them. It didn't help him any that he knew he was the center of all that was wrong in her life, and that he had now officially become the burden he once feared she would see him as, though she was much too formal to ever admit something like that to him. He wanted to relieve her of her responsibility to him, put to rest the guilt she so clearly carried around, but he knew she would never back down from being adjutant, even if he used his superior officer status against her, which he wouldn't anyway.

The answer to his issues presented itself to him as a brief, passing idea that he entertained for a few minutes one day, but then soon became implanted in his brain, bringing itself up any chance he could get. Despite the fact that he originally wanted to discharge from the military for a life with Riza, there was still nothing holding him back from doing so anyway. He knew that if he left he'd disappoint her, and the only thing that convinced him otherwise is the fact that he wouldn't have to be around to see her reaction. His idea for discharging became grander and grander as he dwelled on it – he decided he would still need a source of income, but not wanting the responsibility that came with his position as General, he could easily live by on the salary of just being an enlisted man. And despite the pain that leaving would cause him, Roy wanted to give Riza the chance she deserved to fully get away from him, to no longer have to worry about such a troublesome man in her life and he himself, truthfully, needed to escape from the city – so while it was a drastic decision, moving to a different corner of Amestris was for the best. Lastly, Roy decided to cease using his alchemy for good. He hadn't used it in months, and honestly, the only thing it had ever brought into his life and the lives of others was destruction – it was what had taken Ed from everyone – and that was something he didn't need where he was going.

So, bright and early one morning, without informing anyone of his plans – a higher up could tell them – he went to a scheduled meeting with a superior officer and personally had himself demoted, which received him odd looks from the man he had spoken with. That afternoon he was officially moved out of his apartment and temporarily living in a hotel room as he went over his last preparation – a letter for Riza. Roy found himself cowardly – he couldn't bring himself to speak with her before he left, and honestly, he figured she probably wouldn't want to hear him out. But still, after all she had put him through, he couldn't leave without at least giving her something goodbye. And so he decided that a letter would have to do to convey his words of remorse and regret, though he wished he could say them to her directly. The Flame Alchemist went through several pieces of paper before writing one he was satisfied with, all the others containing too much emotion for him to present to her.

The next day, he delivered it to headquarters, knowing that way she would be able to find out the quickest, and departed for the long trip to his new home – the North. Where he was to live was a cold and miserable place, a place that would reflect his newfound depression.

As the train rolled away to North City, he tried not to think too hard about how his friends would react, and while he could manage that, the image of Riza's shocked face became more and more vivid the farther he got from Central, his heartbreak intensifying each mile, as well.

~P~

Riza arrived at headquarters the next morning earlier than usual, determined to beat the rush of men in her unit so she could catch up on some paperwork. As she sat down and got to work, her other comrades began to filter into the office, first Falman, then Fuery, Breda, and lastly, Havoc. Though she tried to act as normally as possible, Hawkeye could not prevent her eyes from flickering up to the door every few minutes, wondering just where her General was. Despite the fact that he was usually late to his job most days, he was exceptionally tardy that morning – it had been nearly two hours since he was meant to arrive, and while she would normally pass it off as him being ill, when a call didn't arrive stating such, she couldn't help the twisting feeling her stomach. Something was off, but she didn't know what and while she tried to pay attention to her duties throughout the day, she could not.

It had crossed her mind more than once in the previous weeks that she should at least try to mend her relationship with Roy instead of leaving everything so confusing between them. And while she had selfishly kept to herself for a long while, not wanting to face him for fear of admitting she was lying and that yes, she was in fact in love with him, too, she had decided that it had gone on too long – that she couldn't keep pushing Roy away any longer because he didn't deserve what she was putting him through and because she needed him back in her life, even if it couldn't be in the way they both wanted it to be. So she resolved to talk to him whenever the chance presented itself best, but after waiting a bit, it became too much – she wanted to make the first move, and that day would be today.

But of course, the day she wanted to straighten things out between them, Roy wasn't anywhere to be found.

Riza received her answer to the missing Roy's whereabouts that afternoon, just after lunch, but before the men of her unit would congregate in the office again, in the form of a man presenting her a letter. "Miss Riza Hawkeye?" he knocked at the door of the Mustang Unit. Riza blinked up from her desk, confused, before nodding at him.

"That's me."

"I have a delivery from ex-General Roy Mustang," he said, holding out the crisp envelope to her. Riza froze in her spot, one word repeating itself over and over again in her mind – _ex_-General. Barely resisting the urge to demand an answer from the clueless man, she rushed over to him and took hold of the letter before dismissing him. Slamming the office door shut, the distress that had been growing within her since that morning finally translated onto her face as she ripped the envelope open and her eyes scanned over the paper, etched with his familiar scrawl. The first time she read the letter she could not process his words, too overwhelmed and lost to understand why he had left, but they became clearer and clearer the more her eyes roamed over them.

_Dear Riza,_

He had begun, deciding that this once, it was okay if he was informal with her. Riza's eyes continued down, rereading the letter for the umpteenth time but only really beginning to comprehend it.

_I'm not going to waste your time stating all the reasons why I've decided to leave Central. I like to think you already know them. I'm writing this to you solely as a way for a cowardly man to say goodbye without needing to present himself. If I had gone and seen you, I probably wouldn't have been able to leave, so that's why I didn't; it's not because I didn't want to._

_I'm in the North now – nothing but an enlisted man sent to some remote outpost. I think it will be good for me to get away from the hustle and bustle of it all – so I can really get some time to sort out what I want from my life now that so much has changed._

A prick of guilt stabbed Riza's heart and she bit her tongue – he _had _known what he wanted, to be with her, until she had denied him of it. Her eyes continued to skim the letter and take in the words.

_I know it's not my place to say this anymore and the last thing I want to do is make you uncomfortable, but I love you and I will always care about you and I'm sorry for what I've put your through all these years. So, please, no matter how this makes you feel, please know that you aren't the reason this happened. I made this decision by my own accord and it's not your fault – because I know you, you'll try to blame yourself. But don't, for my sake._

_Goodbye for now – I can't promise when I'll be back for you, but I can promise you I will._

_Love,_

_Roy_

Riza hadn't any time to let her emotions bubble over in that moment, though they were running a torrent through her, because a loud bang was heard behind the door, and Havoc's voice heard a few seconds later. "Lieutenant? Are you in there? Or did Breda lock us in again?"

Breda's protest followed. "I did not!"

Scrambling to put on her usual professional front, Riza wiped away the moisture at the corner of her eyes and placed the letter in her uniform pocket quickly before unlocking the door and letting the boys tumble in. Staring down at them before making her way over to her desk to collect her things, Riza told them in a commanding tone, "I'll be retiring early for the day, men. See to it that you get your paperwork done and handed in on time without my harassing you for once, okay?" Her voice softened out towards the end as she slipped on her jacket, her eyes fixated on Roy's desk.

The four men gave each other confused looks before Jean walked over to his commanding officer. Hesitantly placing a hand on her shoulder and breaking her out of her thoughts, he asked concernedly, "Hey, is everything all right, Hawkeye? You never go home early."

This was a fact that Riza was all too aware of, and so with a sad smile she shrugged his hand off and began towards the door, the room suddenly becoming smaller to the point where she felt like she was suffocating. "I assure you, I'm fine," she lied through her teeth, "Second Lieutenant Havoc, you're in charge for the remainder of the day." She motioned to the taller blonde man and then towards the pile of paper on his desk. "And just because I've assigned you as boss, Havoc, doesn't mean you get to slack on your paperwork, either."

Jean looked at his friends and then back at Riza, opened his mouth to say something, but then clamped it shut and nodded. "All right, sir."

Riza returned the action before escaping from the office then, hurrying down the halls and out of the building. She rushed back to her apartment and was greeted by a hyper Black Hayate, whom she scooped up in her arms and held in a tight hug, allowing her emotions to overtake her now that she was alone.

Despite the fact that the letter was behind her whole reasoning for coming home early, Riza couldn't bring herself to read it again so immediately. She did things to distract herself – she took Hayate for a long walk, tidied what few belongings she had, made herself some tea – before finally forcing herself to sit down and face the music that was sat in her uniform pocket.

With shaking hands, she removed it and her eyes roamed the paper again and again, each time her heartbreak doubling until she felt tears bubble up in the corners of her eyes and spill. Riza couldn't find it in herself to follow his word – guilt flooded her system as she placed the blame for his leaving on her actions, on the lie and mistake that she had made three months before.

What if scenarios ran through her mind – if she had told him how she really felt, where would they be now? Would they be together, with Roy having happily discharged or would they still be trying to manage a relationship in secret? Either way, he'd still be there with her, instead of in the miserable North of Amestris, she told herself bitterly.

Anger instead of heartache filled Riza as the situation sunk in. How could he do such a thing? It was just like when he said that he would give it all away for her, except now he had and there was nothing that could be done to reverse it. Why hadn't he come to talk to her about it? Why was he running away from his problems?

_You did. You ran away, too_, she reminded herself, once again flashing back to the painful scene three months beforehand. Her face falling into her hands, anguish and desperation now wrapped around and squeezed her heart, and in a whirlwind, she found herself scribbling down a response to the Flame Alchemist, before realizing that he didn't leave her with an address to write to and that he did so on purpose.

The fact that he was gone from her life soon hit her completely, leaving her shaking uncontrollably in her seat and her mind spinning. Black Hayate walked up to her, concerned about his master's emotional state, and pawed at her hand, but she couldn't focus on him in that moment. In the letter, he had said that she knew the reasons why he left, but she didn't, she honestly didn't.

Maybe his reasons were simpler than she thought, maybe—

It hit her. "Maybe we just need some time apart from each other," she said to herself, smiling sadly as it became clear to her. Looking down and patting Hayate on the nose, the Lieutenant stood then and folded Roy's letter neatly before walking across the short expanse of her kitchen and into her bedroom. Opening the drawer in her end table, she peered down at the letter in her hands, assessing his reasoning.

She and Roy had been together for years – always relying on one another for support, but now that they were separated, they would have to learn to function without the other around; they would have the chance to think for themselves instead of as a unit. And as much as she loved him, she knew that this was necessary – they needed to be apart, however long it might last.

Setting his letter into the drawer gently, Riza closed it and bent down to embrace Hayate again. She could do this, she could wait for him to come back to her like he had promised. And maybe then, once they both figured out what they wanted separately, they could sort out what they wanted together.

Maybe. Hopefully.

~P~

_Two Years Later_

~P~

Roy poked the fire in front of him, relishing in the warmth it brought his frozen frame, mesmerized by the element he once wielded alchemically. Outside of his small cottage, the harsh winds of the North were blowing, rustling the snow off of the trees that surrounded him for miles.

It had been two years since the Flame Alchemist had made the impulsive move out to the barren, icy world of the North. Two years since he had last seen or heard anything from First Lieutenant Riza Hawkeye. Two years of aimlessness and indecisiveness, because after all this time alone, he still didn't know what he wanted out of his life.

Well, he knew one thing he wanted, but she didn't want the same thing he did, as she had made clear before he had left the city behind. It sometimes occurred to the man in a bitter, biting thought that he had accomplished what he originally wanted – he had virtually quit his position and taken up a much simpler existence, yet he had lost the entire reason he had wanted to in the first place.

More than once, he had debated returning to her, but he resisted each time, just barely, because he knew that if he went back, then he would just be defeating the entire purpose of why he had up and left in the first place – to give her some time away from him. And besides, he knew she wouldn't react well to his sudden reappearance, considering the conditions he had left her under.

Looking to his left then, his dark eye caught sight of one of the two photos he had framed by his side. One was of his best friend and him, before the former was murdered, and the second a picture that had been taken of Riza during his months of rehabilitation. It was a rare thing – she was smiling widely in the image, wearing a summery dress and holding Black Hayate to her chest.

Feeling a tightness in his chest, Roy placed the frame facing down and turned away.

Despite the fact that he wanted to go back and see her – and another certain somebody – more than anything in the world, Mustang wouldn't return until he had himself sorted out. It didn't matter how long it took him, Roy would go back when he was the man Riza deserved, Amestris needed, and the one Ed would have wanted him to be.

~P~

**Author's Notes: **I figure losing Ed was devastating to Roy – almost as much so as Maes. They may have not been best friends, but they were good friends whether they liked to admit it or not. And, well, Ed just up and disappeared – for everyone, he was as good as dead because they didn't know what the hell happened to him! At least, that's what I think.

This fic really is a long-winded mess, isn't it? I mean, I like the first half a bit, but not really the ending. The characters are too OOC for me. :/ But I wasn't about to abandon this – no, I wanted to go through with a fic, for once. At least, I can say I'm happy I finished it! XD


End file.
